On Bullying and Bullies

Shane Licht: His Story
One fateful day in 1994, one bad decision changed a twelve year old’s life forever. Initially home from school for a snow day, Shane invited his best friend over to his house, ignoring the message that the school bus would be on a later schedule. Both boys knew about gun safety, knew better than to pick up a gun, whether it was loaded or not. Tragically, the gun discharged in his friend’s hand and the bullet struck Shane, paralyzing him from the neck down.

That means Shane is totally dependent on someone to help him to do the most basic things in his daily life. But that does not mean he is not independent; he graduated from high school, went on for a degree from the University of Alaska/Anchorage, thankful for the encouragement and support of one “awesome man, Sean Murphy.”

He requires assistance, but let me tell you, he can text with his knuckles on a smartphone faster than I can talk! And he knows how to use accounting programs on the computer, which will enable him to get a job, get housing. To own his own space, both physically and psychologically.

We discussed “issues”, and while he disclaims being a spokesperson for all people in wheelchairs, he had a lot to say about his life in a wheelchair. During the interview, Shane emphasized that he took full responsibility for the bad and good decisions he has made, and the consequences that he has to live with. In his words, “It is what is is.”

As much as I poked and prodded with my questions, I could not get a bitter response from him, and I agree with the assessment of friends and family that he is laid-back. In fact, he is the most laid-back, positive person I have had the good fortune to meet.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Find out what it means to me
R-E-S-P-E-C-T (Otis Redding)

Some statistics calculate that 1 out of every 100 people uses a wheelchair; sometime, somewhere you and I will likely meet someone in a wheelchair. Does that unnerve you?

Upon meeting an extra-abled, adaptabled, person, I want to be of help; I can open a door, reach for an out of the way item, turn on a light, get a beverage for the person, need a sweater or jacket? Oh, here, let me!! Let me do that for you.

Let me not, unless I ask first. Otherwise, my overeagerness can come off as patronizing or worse, predatory. I presume you need assistance, when I should ask you if you would like me to help.

I have had a wonderful opportunity to interview, and through my blog, introduce my readers to Shane Licht (see above) and Jennifer Adams, two young adults who are wheelchair enabled. While both Jennifer and Shane are articulate, Jennifer is a strong, outspoken advocate for the extra-abled, and Shane is more mellow; but both raised pertinent and viable issues about the etiquette upon meeting those who are extra-abled and have “adaptabilities”. Jennifer is particularly adamant about changing the negative connotations of words, such as ‘disabled’, and ‘challenged’.

The power of words. Think about it. Dis- as a prefix is negative, and dis has established itself in our modern day vocabulary to mean to be disrespectful. While I hate to sound like a political correction officer, I agree that all of us need to be more aware of our speech and attitude.

Let me also put aside some other presumptions. As Shane said, “because I’m in a wheelchair does not mean that I am…” and here I will revise Shane’s usage of ‘retarded’ with mentally challenged. Jennifer states in ever so eloquent terms, “I have the same worth as a person, no less value than an able-bodied person.” Yes, they know they are in a wheelchair and have restrictions, but a physical limitation does not automatically mean there is brain damage.

Remember that you are probably not the only person to challenge Jennifer or Shane to a race; and it was not funny the first time. Nor is the presumption that a wheelchair is a closet to hang one’s clothes. Most extra-abled people have specifically designed wheelchairs that become a part of their physicality, and to randomly touch or use that extension is rude and uncomfortable for the person in the wheelchair.

Which brings up the last issue: touch. Unless you are familiar with the person and know he or she wants a hug, kiss or a friendly squeeze, do not presume that person needs human contact. As both Shane and Jennifer have to be ‘handled’ several times a day, others, especially strangers, touching them can be inappropriate, even ‘painful’, because of supersensitivity.

It comes down to this: R-E-S-P-E-C-T, respect of personal space. Just like you would anyone else you know or meet for the first time. So, please mind your manners.

Pay attention! Jennifer Adams has a powerful voice and she knows how to use it. She has a lot to say about bullying. During an interview with Jennifer, she and I covered multiple issues that had to to do with her disabilities; she was born without limbs. No hands, no feet, but a beautiful voice that she uses as a professional singer, motivational speaker and as an advocate for those with disabilities. Jennifer has a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and a minor in Vocal Performance from Pacific Lutheran University, followed by a Master of Arts in Counseling from Faith Evangelical Seminary, along with a Certification in Applied Technology in Radio Broadcasting. She has been a working woman in the fields of Tele-communications, Radio Broadcasting, Public Speaking and Education. She has published two books, Discover Your Identity and Dreams Come True! And she won the title of Ms. Wheelchair America 2014.

While friends and family may forget about Jennifer’s disabilities, a lot of people are discomfited by her, for many reasons. As a child, Jennifer was bullied unmercifully in school, which demoralized her and plummeted her into depression. We discussed what makes a few people, especially children, behave so meanly towards her and others with disabilities. It is her “otherness”, not like a “normal” person. It is ignorance, a lack of social skill on what to expect from a disabled person, and how to respond to someone with limited capabilities. If you do not look like me, then you are in another category, one of “them” not one of “us”.

Another facet of the “otherness” that makes people uncomfortable, is if a disabled person is more accomplished than I am, what does that say about me? Most adults lack experience with disabilities and find it embarrassing to be around someone who has obvious needs, but what are you supposed to do for that person? When I think I am being compassionate and helpful, am I being patronizing? What can I expect a disabled person to do for himself or herself? There is an element of superiority in an attitude of “helping” someone too much, to the point of disrespecting the disabled person by not acknowledging the person as someone who can think, act, and be valued as a person, just like you.

Jennifer is not to be pitied. It is not necessary to treat her like a child because of her limitations. Upon first meeting her, there is an alarming moment when you see her as vulnerable—”she needs help!”—but after only a few minutes being with her, you think “Wow! she isn’t crippled! She can do a lot for herself!” It is evident that she is very capable and independent, but recognizes that she did not get “here” without help from family, friends and strangers. There is the problem of mechanics, getting from point A to point B, all the physical barriers that do not present problems for most people. On a daily basis, it is the small kindnesses of those she interacts with; opening a door, making extra room for her wheelchair, reaching for that hard-to-get-to item, holding the elevator for her entrance, the small niceties that people do for each other. And in doing these things for another, one’s humanness is respected, rather than another’s “otherness”. We are “pack animals”, with tribes, clans and families, all interdependent upon one another on a daily basis, all of our lives.

Jennifer would like to put you at ease with her disabilities, so that you can appreciate her, and those with disabilities, as persons deserving respect and acceptance. Jennifer is a strong, confident woman who has challenges, but also someone with a sublime voice that has a message for all of us. Be inspired by Jennifer Adams at www.jenniferlynnadams.com.

To quote Evan McMurry, from Mediaite:

“The Lincoln Day Dinner dinner in Des Moines Saturday night, Senator and probable 2016 candidate Lindsey Graham (R-SC) said he would have no problem droning potential ISIS recruits, and was so excited to do so he reckoned he might could skip the whole due process part.

Graham was responding to Senator and 2016 rival Rand Paul (R-KY), whose non-interventionist foreign policy he deplores.

Via Politico:
Graham, who has made a habit of trolling the Kentucky senator, also mocked Paul’s focus on civil liberties, picking up on his statement that the federal government should still “call a lawyer” to get a warrant before arresting terrorists instead of illegally spying.
“I’m not going to call a judge,” said Graham. “I’m going to call a drone and kill you.”

As you know from my former blog, I am no fan of the vile group known as ISIS, nor am I a proponent for Al-Qaeda, or for the Saudi Arabian government for its inhumane treatment of dissidents. I do not endorse an authoritarian statehood; I am a staunch believer in a republican government, where I, as a citizen, have rights guaranteed by the Constitution of the United States. I feel it is the primary duty of the government legislation to protect me, and while I may be ambivalent about our country’s continuous involvement in military conflicts, I do support and appreciate the enlisted men and women who have lost and jeopardize their lives daily for my safe being. I am a law-abiding citizen; I pay taxes and vote every election, attempting to make sound, informed decisions.

So when I heard the words of Lindsey Graham’s speech, I was awed, as in astonished and fearful. Killer drones?!! Perhaps there should be an incentive to turn in anyone who seems like a threat, or looks like a terrorist. Maybe a give-away toaster, or a year’s supply of gasoline with every name turned in to a subcommittee investigating, i.e., rendering, the private lives of citizens. What would happen to due process?

I praise Allah, Jesus Christ, Buddha (Siddhartha Gautama), Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Dali Lama, rabbis, the Founding Fathers, and countless others who have devoted their lives to peace, and the betterment of humankind. What if someone decided to turn me in for alleged contacts with a terrorist group, or as a sympathizer? Oh, no that could not happen to me!

Wanna bet? Our country has a recent and shameful history of witch hunting; as in the Salem witch trials of Massachusetts and the McCarthy “Red Scare” and “Lavender Scare” hearings. In both cases, friends ratted out one another, family and strangers. In the Salem Witch Hunts, over three hundred men, women, children and animals were thrown into jail without due process. The nineteen accused never had a chance in the Court of Oyer when tried: some were tortured, one elderly man stoned and the rest hanged.

From the legacy of Joseph McCarthy, (R-Wisconsin 1947-1957), comes the term “McCarthyism, ….. Today the term is used more generally in reference to demagogic, reckless, and unsubstantiated accusations, as well as public attacks on the character or patriotism of political opponents”(Wikipedia). The resulting actions of McCarthy and the subsequent closed-door hearings, destroyed countless reputations of public and private citizens and ravaged the lives of innocent men and women, and those of another targeted group, homosexuals.

What turns decent human beings into monsters? Fear that is fodder for hysteria, that feeds the monster and justifies mob action. So to get to the presidency, Senator Graham stumps on a platform of fear, making anxiety vibrate with the threat of terrorism. His promise to keep you safe means you will give up your right to due process. Flawed as our judicial system can be, the Boston Marathon terrorist, Tsarnaev, despicable human being that he is, had due process and is sentenced to life in prison without parole. This is because we have the Bill of Rights, and specifically, the Fifth Amendment to the United States Constitution granting all, every one of us, due process.

Think twice before you abnegate your Constitutional rights. Once lost, they are hard to win back.

The use of manipulation, coercion, intimidation, and/or physical force, defines the tactics of a bully’s game, whether it is in the home, schoolyard, workplace, sports arena, corporations, countries, or in our relationships. It is a mean game wherever it is played; the same sport, different arenas. And who has not at one time or another been a player? There are winners and losers in any game, but today I salute some of the winners.

My friend’s granddaughter, an introspective, pretty girl of thirteen, is in junior high school. She started the year without a best friend, without a clique to hang with. Five mean girls reminded her daily that she was a loser: nasty remarks about her appearance, sniping with cruel taunts, making a game of “Who has to sit next to (holding one’s nose) Emma?” Or making sure she heard, and understood, that she was not invited to the birthday party of a classmate.

Emma sat herself down and asked herself some hard questions: what is wrong with me? what can I do to change my life so that I want get up in the morning and go to school? She analyzed her personality and determined she was too quiet; she was pretty enough but invisible. So, with resolution and lots of courage, she jumped out of the mindset of a victim: she auditioned for a school play(good golly, Miss Emma, that took a lot of moxie!), but did not get the part; she joined the ASB, (and Grandma, this will look good on my resume when I am old enough to apply for a job), making school posters and meeting lots of new people, who liked Emma for her wit, for her team spirit and for herself. Now she has friends vying to come to her birthday party. Score one for Emma, zero for the mean girls.

I am not fan of sports in general, but whenever Frank Deford is on NPR, I listen. I happened to catch his commentary comparing the behavior of the NFL pro players to those at the the Australian Open. I quote from NPR’s “sweetness and light: The Score On Sports With Frank Deford”:
“…an American named Tim Smyczek somehow took the magnificent Rafael Nadal right to the fifth-set limit at a grand slam, the Australian Open. This was Smyczek’s moment of a lifetime, but when Nadal served at a crucial point, someone in the crowd screamed, and the serve went awry. What did the 112th player in the world do? He signaled to the umpire that his opponent, the great Nadal, should get help, another chance, another first serve. Nadal promptly won the do-over with a terrific serve, and soon enough, the match, and Smyczek’s one hope for glory was gone. But, you see, he simply thought he had to be fair, or victory wouldn’t be worth the candle.” Frank Deford (Read more: The Tennis Court Offers A Good Lesson For The NFL)

I may not be a 12th fan, but I am a 112th fan. His candle burns brightly in the day and night.

Two of the most powerful and rich men, giants in the computing world, Bill Gates and Paul Allen of Microsoft, had a sensational fall out when Paul Allen revealed in his book that Bill Gates was a bully, among other things. But according to Geekwire, Paul Allen added an epilogue in newest version of Idea Man: “I believe we will be friends again,” he writes. “The history we share is more powerful than whatever comes between us.”

Bill Gates made a published statement in the Wall Street Journal that he valued Paul Allen’s friendship and contribution to the world of computers; Paul Allen writes that after his mother’s death, Bill Gates got in touch with him, offered condolences and wished to restore their friendship.

Whatever happened between these two Titans, always in the public eye and media, will be open to speculation. But for their public personae, they are more than the sum of money; they exhibit a wealth of probity, unlike Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church.

Pastor Mark Driscoll built a network of over five-hundred churches, founded in 1966, utilizing the Internet and his dynamic personality. But he ruled through intimidation, fear and bullying. He used shunning to control others; he was criticized for plagiarism and unscrupulous publishing tactics, and the misuse of global funds. In January, 2015, Mars Hill Church disbanded. Mark Driscoll was dismissed from Mars Hill Church by the board for “ungodly and disqualifying behavior.” Timothy Keller, the senior pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York, told the New York Times, “…the brashness and the arrogance and the rudeness in personal relationships — which he himself has confessed repeatedly — was obvious to many from the earliest days, and he has definitely now disillusioned quite a lot of people.” Even after repeated misgivings stated by those close to him, Pastor Driscoll would not alter his behavior. He lost it all and his ministry is in shambles. The consequences of being a bully.

There are no gold medals, trophies, laurels, bonuses, to be given out to Emma, Tim Smyczek, Paul Allen, Bill Gates or the multitude of quiet heroes who go unrecognized, for exemplifying the best qualities within us. Just a shout-out to the winners.

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—

Because I was not a Socialist.
Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Jew. Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.
MARTIN NIEMÖLLER

I hear voices. These come from children, women and men who are speaking about the bullies in our lives, those that use manipulation, coercion, intimidation and ideology to justify egregious acts in our homes, schoolyards, workplaces, sports arenas, corporations, and countries. Some voices are faint and I strain to hear the words; others are loud enough to be heard around the world; and then, there is a deafening silence that scares me the most.

ideology (as in “political orientation”) n. : an orientation that characterizes the thinking of a group or nation

There are bullies of all kinds that threaten our every day lives: humans, viruses, emotions, nature. But the deadliest bully out there among us is ideology; it can kill you, or worse, put you through insufferable torture. Raif Badawi has been sentenced to 10 years in prison and 1,000 lashes for setting up a website that championed free speech in the autocratic kingdom of Saudi Arabia. His blog, the Saudi Free Liberals Forum, was shut down after his arrest in 2012. Because he is deemed to be unhealthy from the first 50 lashes, his weekly flogging has been deferred until he has regained some of his health.

His plight has not gone unnoticed; there has been a global outcry against the “cruel and inhuman” punishment by many worldwide human activists and the UN human rights chief Zeid Ra’ad al-Hussein, and other countries, are expressing disapproval. The United States and the United Kingdom have been mostly silent on the subject. I wonder if when I fill my gas tank, blood runs through the hose, too.

There is an ironic twist in the case of Souad al-Shammari, who co-founded the Saudi Liberal Network with Raif Badawi, being freed after 90 days at a women’s prison in Jeddah. She was arrested in late October for the same charges against Badawi, insulting Islam, having posted comments on Twitter about Islamic religious leaders, but has been released through an amnesty program; but that will not be granted to Raif Badawi if he is forgotten or dead from ill health.

Raif Badawi has a slingshot against a Goliath, but this slightly built young man has a voice and the strength of convictions that already has impacted the international conscience. I have never met Raif Badawi or Souad al-Shammari, in person, only through the media, but if I could meet them face to face, I would thank them for their courage of convictions and enduring cruel, inhumane punishment for their ideology; for speaking up for the rights of men and women, not only in their country, but for universal rights, rights all human beings deserve.

These atrocities continue daily around the world. The Isis (Islamic State) is foremost in the news with its heinous acts against foreigners and its own people. What justification can there ever be for murder? And gunning down thirteen young boys because they watched a soccer game and broke sharia laws?

France hunted down the Islamic terrorists that murdered those at the magazine headquarter, Charlie Hebdo, killing the three cowards. Then had widely publicized discussion on freedom of speech, and rights of burial for the bodies that no one would claim. Did those reprobates deserve such consideration? No, not for them, but yes, for us; our humanity demands it.

Funny word, conviction. Defined by New Oxford Dictionary as:
conviction |kənˈvikSHən| noun
1 a formal declaration that someone is guilty of a criminal offense, made by the verdict of a jury or the decision of a judge in a court of law: she had a previous conviction for a similar offense.
2 a firmly held belief or opinion: his conviction that the death was no accident | she takes pride in stating her political convictions. • the quality of showing that one is firmly convinced of what one believes or says: his voice lacked conviction.

I am not sure if Raif Badawi is foolish or brave, maybe both, to have have put himself in mortal jeopardy by blogging about his convictions. He and Souad al-Shammari have made me question some of my own convictions, wondering just how vocal would I be if I thought I would be arrested, flogged or murdered. I am pretty smug about my constitutional rights to freedom of speech and fair, just and moral treatment if convicted of a crime, but I also know that there is always a possibility that an extremist could take exception to what I say and feel justified in killing me. I watched the football game on SuperBowl Sunday with my family, and never would imagine being executed, as the thirteen young teenage boys were by Isis extremists. If it came down to it, would I give up my gas-guzzling SUV if it meant sanctions against Saudi Arabia? Would I go to jail for my beliefs? Would I put myself in harm’s way for my convictions?

Frankly, I don’t know. But I hope that the voice of my conscience would be too loud for me to deny it.