On and on and on…

There is yet another killing spree at a nightclub in Orlando, Florida, with 49 killed and 53 wounded. In recent memory there is Sandy Hook, Isla Vista, Columbine, Charleston Church and Virginia Tech, the Boston Marathon bombings, San Bernardino Inland Regional Center. And it does not end there. We only have to look over our shoulder at international tragic events like the November, 2015, Paris massacre that claimed 137 lives.

It is not a safe world to live in. I was born in 1952, and during my lifetime, the United States has been engaged in wars—all but three years, 1976-1978. I remember earthquake and bomb shelter drills in grade school. I grew up in San Bernardino, California, having moved from Oklahoma City to Oregon to California. During my childhood and school years, there were gang wars and rampant drug dealing often on campus; Los Angeles Watts riots of 1965, leaving 34 dead and thousands injured; October 1969, San Bernardino High School was in lockdown for riots, several people injured; May 4, 1970, Kent State shootings, 4 dead; the Vietnam War, 1959-1975, five of my friends did not come back; April 19, 1995, the Oklahoma City bombing with 168 confirmed deaths. The worst imaginable was 2001, the Twin Towers terrorist attacks, with 2,996 dead. Unfortunately, I could go on and on and on…..

How can we go about our daily lives without constantly dwelling on the horrific? How can we give our children a sense of safety and security with the constant bombardment of media exploiting the fear and immediacy of events in the news? We cannot turn off the media; ignore the radio, not peruse the newspapers or not read our news feeds on the computer and smartphone; we cannot arm our children with weapons to protect them from everyday life.

What we can do is provide a haven in our family and home, giving them a safety net to catch their fears and worries by reassurance that their world is stable and by example, the people in it are kind and nurturing. Parents and caregivers are important and integral to a child’s sense of his and her environment as either benign or hostile, embedding confidence, enhancing a child’s natural curiosity about the world and people and one’s place in the scheme of life. If the home is not a safe place to be, the outside world is not either.

Parenting is an awesome responsibility. Each one of us needs to examine his or her attitudes toward those in our immediate community and the global village, to ask oneself if, by example, am I exemplifying values of trustworthiness, kindness, compassion, empathy? Will my children see me as someone who is mean-spirited, petty, vicious or bigoted? Or as the parent whom they can trust to tell the truth, treat everyone, young and old, animals, too, with kindness and respect and dignity?

I have written articles about bullies that children have to contend with in their lives; siblings, peers, parents, emotions and world events. I emphasize once again that parents and caregivers are the center of the universe in a child’s life. If a child has a core sense of rightness, safety and trust, the outside remains just a place to be in and not someplace internalized—in other words, the child can be okay because the awful events occur outside and not inside. We do not have to live in fear; and we do not have to teach our children to live fearfully. We can give them advice, warnings and admonitions and social skills but more importantly, if a child is treated with respect and love and kindness, this will be part of his and her armor to face the scary and threatening place ‘out there’ with mean people and uncontrollable events and disasters. We can feed our children with healthy foods, and by example, respect the needs of the body. If you smoke, do not smoke in an enclosed area—I can remember how embarrassing it was for me to get out of the car and smell like an ashtray. Pay attention to how a child’s shoes and clothing fit and how teeth look and if your child squints; dental, eye and physical checkups may be unpleasant and costly, but they are necessary.

But most importantly, know your child. When you are about to make a point again, lower your voice and speak deliberately. Expect your children to respect you by voice intonation and actions—as you respect them by never resorting to name calling or humiliation or sarcasm as a disciplinarian tool. Speak your truth softly and it will be more effective than a slap in the face. We live in an imperfect world. But we have choices about how we live, and what we make of this world for our children. And their children. And on and on and on…